There was a time in my life when I was heavily engaged in a lot of mergers & acquisitions work. Since this kind of work is the very definition of "team effort," I developed a close relationship with a few of the advisors at a local firm. In turn, they invited me to attend a seminar about trends in mergers & acquisitions that year. As the lone in-house counsel at my company at that time, I never had the chance to interact with that many other attorneys, so I was buoyed by the prospect of a little networking. I was also grateful for the chance to break up the monotony of my work week by taking a morning off to attend. It felt like a big deal, so when the morning came, I dressed in my smartest pair of black trousers and a freshly pressed blouse with thin blue, pink and yellow stripes. I thought a blazer would be too fussy, so I accessorized with a leather laptop satchel, high heels and self-consciousness. I walked into a typical hotel conference room to find two hundred attorneys mingling, eating donuts, chugging coffee and shuffling past each other to reach their seats. Eventually, I made my way to a seat as well and got out my notebook. I was seated almost all the way in the back, which is unfortunate at my height. I craned my neck and realized that from my vantage point, I was looking out over a sea of attorneys between me and the presenter’s PowerPoint slides. A sea of gray and black. Not even navy blue. Navy blue was, apparently, not conservative enough for most M&A lawyers. Oh my GOSH. I spent the next three hours learning about leveraged debt and questioning my entire existence. Embracing Your Self Expression Self-expression is any outward-extending language of individuality and uniqueness. It can be helpful to meditate on all of the different ways in which you communicate to the world "who you are," especially as many of our most important forms of self-expression tend to be subconscious. Becoming aware of how we communicate our inner selves to the outside world is a barrier-breaking exercise. Simply bringing awareness to how we present ourselves is powerful and can be a catalyst for positive change. Out of all the people who walk into a room, you should know yourself the very best! Here are questions to meditate on or journal about to help you to get in touch with your true self. Ask Yourself About Presentation What posture do you elect when standing up? What posture do you elect when entering a room? Do you enter a room with your head raised or eyes lowered? What posture do you have when you shop for groceries or go about mundane tasks? Do you lead with your heart, with your chest open? Do you smile at strangers? Why? What posture do you select when you meet someone new? Do you have a tendency to cross your arms? Do you have a tendency to physically reach out to the new people you meet? How? Ask Yourself About Appearance What are you wearing right now? How does it make you feel? Do you style your hair? In what manner? Why have you chosen that manner? Do you wear make-up? What make-up or other cosmetics make you feel attractive? Do you feel that cosmetics cover flaws? Which flaws? Do you try to emulate another person, either consciously or subconsciously? Who? Do you admire any particular celebrities for their style or manner of dress? What do you think your appearance says about you? Do you dress like your social peer group? What about your work peer group? Do you feel you have enough time to present yourself the way that you want? Do you feel that you have enough money to present yourself the way that you want? Ask Yourself About Language and Sound How do you speak to others? How do you speak to your family? How do you speak to your colleagues? How do you speak to your superiors at work? What tone of voice do you use? Is your voice soft or loud? What kinds of words do you choose? Do those words come naturally, or are your speaking to others in way that you hope conveys a trait which you may or may not find authentic (e.g. trying to sound "smart" to a coworker or "assertive" to a boss.) What does your internal dialogue sound like? Do you speak to yourself with kindness? Would you speak to another person the way you speak to yourself? Do you feel that you have enough space and time to properly choose words? Ask Yourself About The Written Word When do you write? Do you keep journals? If so, what kinds of topics dominate your entries? Do these topics align with what you value most in your life? Do you send e-mails or letters in relation to work? How do you address your coworkers or clients? Do you send handwritten letters to the people that you love? Are most of your written communications texts? Do you like to use pictures instead of words? What emojis do you use most often? Do these pictures or emojis have positive or negative connotations? Do you express carelessness by having a lot of improper grammar or misspellings? Do you ask for what you want directly? Do you leave matters for others to "figure out" on their own? Do you feel that you are able to be both honest and kind about challenging topics? Skim a recent text conversation with someone important to you. Are you happy reading this? Did it make you laugh? Was there conflict? Do you see a path where your words either diminished or escalated the conflict? Do you find that your apologize for things inappropriately (e.g. "Sorry I didn't send this to you sooner, but here is the monthly report.") Do you find that you keep people at arms' length via terse or formal responses? Do you invite people to respond positively to you, through courtesy and gratitude? Ask Yourself About Creative Expression Do you have any artistic pursuits? Do you paint, draw or color? Do you crochet or macrame? Do you like antique furniture? Do you engage a performance art, like singing, comedy or dance? You do have a You Tube channel or Instagram page that serves as a creative outlet? Do you want to shoot movies or make short films? Do you like to design fashion, objects or buildings? Do you like to collect anything? Do you bake or cook for leisure? What colors are you drawn to? What types of raw materials do you love? Do you find ways to bring your favorite creative expressions into your daily life? Do you have a pocket sketchbook or notebook, or a bedstand notepad? Ask Yourself About Defining Experiences Can you describe yourself in five words? What experiences have you had that are unique among your peers? Have you traveled to an unusual or special place? Have you struggled with an ailment or condition? Have you taken a unique pathway to your present residence or career? Have you established a relationship that seems unique, such as with an individual much older or younger than you, or from a completely different country or socioeconomic sphere? What unique gifts or talents do you feel you are endowed with? Have you felt drawn to a certain thing, structure, place or animal? Do you judge your ideas as "good" or "bad?" Do you give yourself permission to be surprised, shocked, or embarrassed by your ideas? Do you forgive yourself for any internal "darkness" that comes to light when you create? Do you use self-expression in ways that you find healing or productive? Are you afraid that other people will judge you for the things that make you "you?" Who do you love most in this world? How would you describe those people? Do you see those same traits in yourself?
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Two Hundred Rejection Letters In the year following law school and bar passage, I continued to live with my parents and work as a microbiologist while applying to different law firms across the country. Several months in, I had a shoebox filled with rejection letters - more than two hundred of them. I compiled extensive lists of every law firm in the country with a practice of interest. It was a staggering compilation of intellectual property, corporate transactions, biotechnology, patents, pharmaceuticals, and medical device specialists. I revised my resume more than one hundred times, highlighting my solid GPA and moot court and writing awards. None of it seemed to matter. I was running out of people to be rejected by! The best part of life as a microbiologist was Fridays, when a local, nationally distributed beverage chain dropped off samples of its canned and bottled beverages for testing. You can't just pour samples of the carbonated beverages out of the bottle, because the outside of the bottle could have picked up all manner of zoology just hanging out on a shelf. What if some random employee didn't wash his hands before loading it into the shipping container? So, to sterilize the containers, I poured a tiny amount of ethanol over the top of them, lined them up like test tubes on the (fireproof) lab bench, and lit them on fire with a long-stemmed match, one by one. I liked to do this with some flourish and the occasional "OPA!" The worst part of life as a microbiologist is also on Fridays, when I am reminded that I bring home about $19,000.00 per year after taxes. This is never going to help me buy a house. Thankfully, my parents were letting me live at home while I saved up for a house and law school. Good thing too, because I wasn't going anywhere fast at this salary (even in 2001). Finding a Mentor Finally, I scrapped the idea of working for law firms altogether. Instead, I went right back to basics, and simply went searching for someone else in the world that seemed to enjoy both law and science. I no longer cared what they were doing for a living, or whether they could hire me. One day, I read about Doctor Goldner, a Ph.D/J.D. who was doing FDA regulatory work out of his home in an upscale suburb of Detroit. Instead of sending yet another letter, I picked up the phone. When he answered, I told him briefly that I was a recent law school graduate with experience in biology, and that I just wanted to know more about what he did because it sounded really interesting. The call ended with a job offer. He worked out of his home office (way before, well, almost everyone did) and I earned a spot at his kitchen table. It was the kind of arrangement that could have ended badly if he were unethical or creepy, but since neither of those statements were true, it was a great arrangement. The kitchen was well-lit with an omnipresent tabby cat serving as a free lap-warmer. Doctor Goldner woke up at 5:00 AM to swim laps in the private lake behind his house and meditate. He took to filling his house with cats and precious works of art. To this end, I never underestimate the benefits of cats, meditation or lakes. It was 100% NOT how I envisioned a job out of law school looking, but it gave me a front row seat to someone doing interesting things with a background similar to mine (science & law). Sometimes, a step off to the side is a great way to keep moving forward. Tips for Overcoming Rejection Beware of Passivity
I came to realize that endlessly revising and mailing application packets was keeping me from taking more powerful (but intimating) actions, such as having face to face conversations, asking mentors for help, or attending networking events. I'm an introvert and very private by nature. I overcame this by reminding myself over and over that reaching out to mentors is an act of love. Giving someone the chance to share their knowledge or give advice is a gift to them! Think of how great you feel when you have mentored someone or helped a friend solve a difficult problem. Do Some Internal Housekeeping So many times, we tie our own hands by relying on our specific vision of how things should turn out, especially if we have been led to those visions by those we trust, like our parents, teachers or friends. It can be such an act of bravery and self-determination to realize don't have to do anything just because that is how it has always been done. Just because you majored in English doesn't mean you can't apply to medical school. Just because you've never been viewed as the "smart one" in your family or tribe doesn't mean you can't become the CEO of a thriving business. Take the time to root out beliefs, habits or actions that are keeping you from embracing the future. Ask yourself where they came from and why they deserve real estate in your mind. The Numbers Game I have friends who strongly believe that the job application process is a numbers game. If you consistently reach out to enough people, enough times, you will eventually pair with an appropriate partner. I find that belief disillusioning. To me, the application process is less about favorable odds and more about the natural affinity of equivalent entities. Once you've identified a dream employer (or client, or partner, or vendor...), truly consider whether you embody the values, interests and motivations of that person or company. Be honest with yourself. For example, I showed up for the first day of law school wearing a hoodie and board shorts over my bikini; yet applied to some of the most classically formal law firms in the world, in places I had no interest in ever living, just because it seemed like the right thing to do (and maybe also because their associates made more than the GDP of a small county each year.) In the long run, this was a recipe for burnout, disillusionment or worse, and I'm grateful they rejected me. Consider Return on Investment Remember that you can obtain value in many ways: connections, networking, travel opportunities, flexibility, benefits, a supportive culture, and creative outlets. Remember that quote about knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing? it is very easy to be romanced by material reward. That is very different than taking an engaged look at "return on investment" in your life. For example, my job with Doctor Goldner paid about the same as my job as a microbiologist, but offered the chance to learn about things I was genuinely interested in and provided a stepping stone to better opportunities. Surely, I might have been able to make a lot more money in the short term if I tried to practice, say, insurance law, but that would have simply sent me down a path I had little interest in pursuing. Don't Assume Rejection Equals Failure Sometimes we don't fail to achieve something because we are doing something, but because we are doing something right. In one interview, a famous local attorney asked me point blank, "Why do you think you haven't been picked up by a law firm yet?" OUCH. I mumbled something about how I wanted a chance to join my interests in science and law together, but maybe overestimated the availability of that kind of work. He took in my answer and nodded slowly. I was sure I blew it. Instead, he said, "I think you're right. Frankly, I think you're ahead of your time here." He even offered me a position! Don't Equate Rejection With Permission Just because you are going through an opaque application process does not mean that you should just concede other people's role as gatekeeper over your dreams. Beware of thinking thoughts like, "I've been rejected so many times. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be an attorney (or photographer, actor, engineer, entrepreneur?") If you stay with a goal long enough and continually make incremental improvements, you will reach your goal or perhaps even replace it with a better one. You don't need anyone's permission to make your dreams come true. Don't give anyone that power. I once had a well-known local attorney ask me outright why I thought I had not been picked up by a fantastic law firm right out of school. He then mentioned that he thought I was actually a bit "ahead of my time," and that the local markets hadn't quite caught up to my interest in biotechnology and bioinformatics. It had never occurred to me that I was being rejected not because I wasn't good enough, but just because my timing was a bit off. As my career progressed, I realized that is often the case! Now that I've spent many years involved in hiring decisions, I've come to understand how many rejections are not personal and not indicative at all of shortcomings. Becoming a Workaholic Workaholism, like (I suspect) any other kind of "olism" is cultivated by a perfect storm of genetics, upbringing and circumstance. I had grown up with a father who considered mowing the lawn to qualify as a valid form of relaxation. I had the kind of curious mind that couldn't say "no" to any intellectual challenge, no matter how daunting. Still, my path toward an imbalance with work was, ironically, paved with gold. I landed my dream job. I was the General Counsel of a public company - the top performing stock on the applicable exchange - before I turned thirty years old. My youth imbued me with just enough "Imposter Syndrome" to completely disrupt my work-life balance when my personal life started unraveling a bit. I had little control over upsetting personal events in my life, but felt I had a lot of control over my career path. It was easy to see where this was going. Unraveling I often told myself things like "If I get up at 4:30 AM, I can drive all the way downtown before rush hour and get a start on the day's activities." I still rarely left the office before 7:00 PM. The reality was that I no longer knew what to do with myself at home. I'd forgotten what kinds of books I liked to read. I was achy all the time from a recent car accident, but afraid to slow down. A Hard Stop Then, a friend asked me to play the part of "Wife" at his consulting company's elaborate "welcome weekend" for new recruits. The event was being held at the Ritz Carlton on Key Biscayne. He mentioned that it would be a great chance to sneak away and get some R&R. Deep in the trenches of burnout and struggling with my company's new CEO, I wasn't inclined to turn down a free weekend at a beach side Ritz Carlton. I wasn't inclined to turn down a free weekend at a Super 8 in Flint. On the first day, my friend was whisked away for recruiting activities and I found my way to a round table with six "Real" wives, spearheaded by the male partner of one of the senior consultants. He was the embodiment of every positive gay stereotype - charming, outgoing and well groomed with a penchant for interior decorating. One of the women at the table smiled at him and tentatively asked him to describe what life is "really" like for the partners of consultants. The Partner gave a forced smile I wonder if anyone else noticed. "It's no so bad," He comforted, "The travel can be a bit much, but my partner is usually around on the weekends." I had chatted with her earlier and knew that she had two small children at home. Ruefully, I wondered if she and the kids would be happy with a man who was "usually around on the weekends." Would I? Even worse, would I be happy "being" a person who was only around on weekends? It was a quick but profound exchange. Sometimes we don't realize we are on the wrong path until we see someone else going in that direction. The following Monday morning, I was back to driving to work in a winter storm when - BOOM - I was rear-ended by the car behind me. A searing pain traveled up my spine as though it ripped every single muscle attachment on the way to my neck. Twenty-four hours later, I was on mandatory bed rest for a month, with a thirty-day supply of prescription painkillers and 105 hours of physical therapy ahead. For once, I wasn't going anywhere. I had weeks to meditate on what I had realized and it was one of the most beneficial periods of my life. The accident was quite literally, a chance to stop moving and consider where I was headed. Affirmation For Life's Hard Stops Today, I will stop moving and truly listen to what my Spirit is trying to tell me. I will relax and quiet myself so that I can be a conduit for my Spirit's own message, so that this message can reach my heart without being contaminated by my own thoughts, fears, expectations, ambitions, and goals. I will clearly hear my Spirit when it finally tells me what it needs to tell me, asks of me what it needs to ask of me, and requires of me what it must require. Today, I am free from my expectations and am simply listening for the voice inside of my mind that will tell me how I am truly needed in the World, where I am truly needed in the World, and why I am truly needed in the World. I will stop moving and wait patiently for a loving, creative force to engage me in work greater than my own.
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I've included stories, anecdotes and useful tips I've gained over my career as an Entrepreneur, Board Member, Executive and Senior Counsel. I hope you can find ways to navigate to your own dreams by learning from my experience! Don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or want to share your own stories. Stay inspired! Categories |